The Trump Administration’s Guide to Christmas Giving

The Trump Administration’s Guide to Christmas Giving A piece of East Wing Rubble? An MRI for no reason? The options are endless! Illustration by The Atlantic. Source: Doug Mills / AFP / Getty. The good news: We are saying “Merry Christmas” again. (It is now compulsory, or the FCC will come for your license.) The bad news: Christmas rationing is indeed in effect. Please consider the following gifting instructions from our president, who is also tightening his belt this Christmas (only demolishing one wing of the White House to install a lavish ballroom instead of both). For Mom: A tariff! For Dad: A tariff! For Grandma: A tariff! Did they not want tariffs? That’s what we got everyone. Sorry. For Uncle Greg: A TINY CAR!!! (We’re making these now.) For Her: A photoshoot with Vanity Fair . Nothing says “glamour” like Vanity Fair . Usually. But sometimes the picture they take of you comes out looking like Dorian Gray’s DMV photo-unflattering, but in a way that implies deep spiritual corruption. This gives a fun Russian-roulette aspect to the gift! For the Man Who Has Everything: Surprise MRI for no reason! Donald Trump has everything and he keeps getting these, so they must be a fun, cool luxury item and not cause for any kind of alarm. For the Historian: Piece of East Wing rubble , possibly haunted. Does someone in your life love history or respect White House traditions? Great! We have a bunch of junk to unload on a mark like her. For the Frequent Flier: Air Force One, lightly used. We’ve just received a better plane from Qatar . If you fly private, you can wear whatever you want to the airport, even pajamas ! For the Vaccine-Skeptical: Measles. A special surprise from the Trump administration. Don’t know what to get your child? That might not be a problem next year. For Everyone Else on Your List: AI Something? There’s demand for this, isn’t there? Please tell us there’s demand, or the whole economy is going to break. For Your Uncle (You’ll Know Which One): This John McNaughton painting titled The Secret Service , which features Donald Trump and some angels. For That Special Someone: A p residential pardo n. Just because! You never know when one of these will come in handy. It’ll have everyone but the recipient saying “You shouldn’t have!,” especially when that special someone goes on to commit additional crimes. For the Budding Artist in Your Life: One or two pencils. (“You can give up certain products ... Every child [can’t] get 37 pencils. They only need one or two. They don’t need that many,” President Trump explained a few months ago.) We understand that this raises a question: Who was buying 37 pencils before? Are these colored pencils or just standard No. 2 Ticonderogas? We don’t know! Good luck with this oddly specific presidential instruction. For Your Daughter: One doll, or, perhaps, if you are feeling indulgent, two! (“Two or three is nice....

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