Mom and Dad: The Performance Review

Mom, Dad, thanks for being on time this year. Dad, I can see by your T-shirt that it was a challenge. So you’ve already exceeded expectations. Remember, performance reviews are not about criticism. They’re about nurturing an abundance mind-set. Let’s start! Benchmarks We all accomplished a lot in 2025. Mom, you made partner at your firm and-per last year’s review-solutioned out of skinny jeans. Jordan continued his onboarding (i.e., potty training) just in time for pre-K. I started seventh grade and quit cello. And, Dad, shaving again was a brave step on the strategic staircase! So was coming up the actual staircase from your “office” on weekends. Congratulations all around! Key Learnings Mom, having three glasses of wine (“because of the pandemic”) doesn’t mean it’s O.K. to loudly sing Charli XCX. Nobody wants to “guess the color of [your] underwear,” least of all the other parents at gymnastics. Dad, as part of your Performance Improvement Plan ( PIP ) last year, you committed to improving your Family Value Proposition (F.V.P.). We thought that would involve finding full-time work, not just listening to Joe Rogan and wearing pants with something called a “gusseted crotch.” Opportunities for Growth In 2024’s review, I specifically used the phrase “STOP EMBARRASING [sic] ME.” Yet Mom has continued to FaceTime me from her hatha-yoga class. I had to tell my friends that you were in early-stage dementia. Dad, you demonstrated a dance that you saw on TikTok (note: not “the TikTok”) at the library book fair that definitely fell short of expectations, which, I’ll remind you, are that you never set foot on school grounds. Both of you need to recommit to this goal, especially you, Dad, and before the doctor removes your walking cast. Also, you both continue to struggle in high-pressure situations-for example, at our Thanksgiving off-site at Uncle Doug’s. Dad, when Pop-Pop began talking about politics, you used the term “Orange Jesus,” which was not the kind of Cross-Functional Collaboration (C.F.C.) that would have allowed me to watch “Love Is Blind” in the living room uninterrupted. In your self-evaluations, you both mentioned the Sunday last July that we spent in the emergency room. Again, there was no way for me to see that glass table when I was swinging the tennis racquet. However, in the spirit of Total Activation Team Responsibility ( TATR ), I agree that we all could have performed better that day and that I wasn’t the one drinking hard cider during Pictionary. Communication It’s the backbone of any successful team, so why do I still have Mom’s crappy old iPhone 14? Maybe if the battery didn’t die after six hours I could see Dad’s dozens of panicky texts and the “Amber Alert,” which-hello?-is not even my name. And, Mom, for the zillionth time, I don’t know who “got into” your drawer of CBD gummies. Cohort Analysis I’m in seventh grade now, so my competitive set includes all of middle school plus Zoe and her cousin. She flew with her...

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